There are moments when I still get angry at God. While I realize an enemy has done this, I believe God can ease the burden and make this trial easier to handle. I'm totally failing this test of faith. There's not a minute my hearts not divided. When I'm with your brothers and sister I call to hear you screaming in the background. Truly heartwrenching to feel like I'm constantly failing. I get angry and ask why me? I can hardly hold a conversation with others because I feel deep down they don't understand the pain I feel when leaving your child behind. I know many moms have tread these waters before, and I have no right to throw my fits. But I do anyways. I hate this! I just want you home! Where I don't have to be diveded anymore. I don't have to sit awake at night hoping your not screaming all alone. Today is a day I feel abandoned by the Lord. As I sit here you are crying in pain. I can hear your hernia making noises and then you scream out. My heart hurts buddy. I can't stand seeing you like this. No pain meds want to be given because everyone's scared to see you regress. Surgery is being talked about lightly because we fear for your lungs.
I think Gods okay with me being angry. I can't imagine He likes to see me tormented on a daily basis. I just wish for a peaceful road to soon takeover this rocky beaten path.
I know our journey is nothing to compare to other children who are struggling to have life right now. But my grief is still heavy for the loss of you not being where you should be.
I love you and can't wait for the day we can drive away from this place together 100% forever!!!
Xoxo,
Mom
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