Double Chin

Chunky boy,

You weigh 5lbs 11oz! You have two chins! They are both adorable by the way. You continue to amaze the doctors. Dr. Knee called today and was so excited you were down in the 30s for your oxygen, you could hear the disbelief in his voice!

All your brothers and sister came to visit today. Lincoln and Graham both tried climbing in the crib with you. It was a bit crazy with all of us shoved into a little room!

Daddy snapped a few photos of me holding you, it's what I look forward to all day!

We all love you very much,

Xoxox
Mom

Down a Peep!

You are down another peep setting (7) on your cpap machine! You handled the change very well. Your oxygen needs are at 45%. The goal is a peep of 5 and your oxygen needs less than 25% in order for you to trial nasal cannula. Once you get to the cannula you can eat by mouth, as long as you're not breathing fast. There's so many ifs and so many doubts, we just have to surrender everything and let God take control. You are 38weeks gestation and I'm still praying that by 40 weeks you'll be breathing and eating! Sounds crazy?! But I continue to believe in healing and miracles.

Daddy got all the snuggle time today! He loves you so much. You were such a cutie looking around wide eyed. I snapped a gazillion photos of you!

Your butt rash is getting worse. I'm praying for wisdom when it comes to your nutrition needs. I'm told breastmilk isn't  enough. You need extra calories, calcium and phosphorus for proper bone and brain development. That extra calories comes from a fortifier they add to my milk. This stuff is like acid it burns your little bottom leaving red circles that bleed. I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling. You are the strongest boy I know!

Rest up because you have an eye exam in the morning. Those tend to make you crabby for the remainder of the day.

Love you,

Xoxo,
Mom

3 Months Old

It's official... You're 3 months old! Some days it seems like this journey is no where near ending, and then the next day the Lord renews our strength and we can handle another day. If there's anything you taught me through this, is that life is not guaranteed. I used to put off quality time with the ones I cherish because I was too busy with other miniscule things. That has changed since having you, sweet boy. I cherish every second I get to spend time with you. I could stare at you all day! You have blessed our lives in your short 3 months. We live for today now and not for tomorrow.

We love you so much! When I wake up in the morning to an empty space next to my bed (where your sleeper will go) I tend to cry. I miss you here! My heart knows I have a son miles away and the pain never seems to go away. This is when daddy steps in to give me his famous pep talk (he should be a motivational speaker!)

The sun has risen and its a new day! We rest today knowing God has you surrounded by angels, and soon those angels will head over here, your home, and  surround you.

3 month stats:

5lbs 7oz
17 inches long
You fit into newborn clothes and newborn size diapers!

Keep growing!!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. Raegan went with me to visit you today! She adores you! We all do! :-)

P.s.s The flu has hit our home tonight! :-(  I'm praying with everything I got, I don't get it, if I do then I can't come be with you!

Airing the Buns

Sweet boy,

You got a diaper rash that will not go away! It's been 3 weeks and its still lingering on! The doctor ordered magic butt cream and if that doesn't work you'll be one of two cases out of hundreds that they'll have to figure out a different feeding supplement too. I suggested magic nipple cream and the doctor just laughed and went to look it up. He said if this butt cream doesn't work he'll be receptive to try the nipple cream. Haha! Hopefully one day you can look back on this and laugh! :-) For now, when I'm up there holding you I let you go au natural from the waist down. Surprisingly you enjoyed the air on your buns, so much so that you were in such a deep sleep drooling all over my hand.

You had an uneventful day. No news is good news!  He expects you to make it to nasal cannula in the coming weeks! We pray it's sooner than weeks....  Get some rest because tomorrow the whole gang is coming up to see you! It's your brother Grahams 3rd birthday. He still asks about you everyday, and he thinks every baby he sees is Eshrah!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. your brother Parker made you this onesie!

Big Boy Crib

You got a big boy crib today! Along with the crib Raegan and I made you a banner to go above your crib. We also hung some other decorations up in your room.
You were doing so well today they decided to turn down your peep on your cpap machine. Yay!
My prayer today was for God to wow the  doctors! You dropped from 53% oxygen to 37% in one day! God is so good. We continue to pray for progress, I can see in your eyes you desperately want to eat with your mouth! Soon it will happen.  We are praying strong boy, and God is answering!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s I was able to give you a bath tonight and your brother Parker snapped some photos.  :-)

Healing Eyes

Answered prayers! Your eyes are healing. The doctor said they are mature and stage 1 rop disease. Should continue to get better with time.
Sadly, no changes have been made on your cpap settings. The doctors feel you are breathing too fast and your oxygen level is too high. You are fast approaching 40 weeks when mom and dad will have to make some tough decisions. We are still crying out to God that he'd heal your lungs fully and no tough decisions would have to be made! We believe in miracles! God can rain fire down from heaven, spring forth flowing water from a rock, and bring the dead back to life, He can heal you in this short amount of time! He's already amazed us through you! Not many people can say they witnessed a miracle in the flesh, but we can!

Love you sweet boy! Hopefully you enjoy those books mommy and daddy recorded for you!

Xoxo,

Mom

Wide awake!

It was so much fun to see you wide awake and alert! You looked at a book for awhile. I think you're going to have beautiful brown eyes, which evens out the eye color in the family, 4 blue/hazel and 4 brown!
You had a great day today, where I thought, wow I think you turned a corner! You sucked vigorously on your pacifier, which your nurse said is a sign of health! Your nails are growing long, which she said is another sign health! Swelling has gone down a bit, and your blood gas is great! Today, the doctors should lower your peep on your cpap.
I bought a recorder so we can record our voices reading you books to play back to you when we aren't there. You love hearing voices! We brought all of your brothers and sisters to visit tonight, and you loved the chaos! Ha! Lincoln pulled out the suction tubing, someone else tripped over the cpap machine.  Raegan asked to hold you a million times. She can't wait to smother you with hugs and kisses when you get home. You have 4 brothers and a sweet sister who can't wait much longer to bring you home. You are loved more than you could imagine.

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. you weigh 5lbs 6oz!

You Will be Just Fine!

Sweet boy,

There's not much to report, your blood gas has remained stable but not good enough to wean your peep this week. While we were saddened with the lack of progress, we know we are on your time. So when you're feeling well enough we'll make another wean to your cpap settings. You've been a bit more agitated at times. You haven't liked to be held the past couple days, which breaks my heart. I know you are healing and not feeling the best at times, but I just want to pick you up and never let go. I prayed today that God would just reveal the outcome to me. You had a nurse with 40+ years of wisdom. She told me that you are a strong boy and will be just fine! She said she could tell by your big veins you got proper nutrition your short 25 weeks inside. She said when a baby doesn't get the proper, good, nutrition they will be born with itty bitty spider veins. So she could tell momma didn't indulge in cheeseburgers and Coca-Cola! Haha :-) Your nurse today is an amazing woman of God. She travels every six weeks down south to be with her grandchildren and daughter-in-law who are suffering from a terminal illness. She cooks all organic for them which has prolonged their lives! "If God didn't make it, we don't eat it", she said! Such a testimony. I hope you get many more days with her, she truly
cared for you. She has witnessed many miracles in the NICU. Your life is a miracle! She said God has a plan for you. Your life is set to do something amazing for the kingdom! One day we'll experience a moment in your life were we'll say, Yes! Here is the moment God had set for you. She said when that day comes, to remember her! Not many days I leave your side not crying inside and out, but today I was encouraged!

Xoxo,
Mom

5lbs!

It's 4am and I called and checked on you and the nurse said you are a bit fussy. Oh how I wish I could be there with you! I took for granted all the nights your brothers and sister cried all night long. I wish you could be home, I promise I'd  stay up all night long with you, if that meant you'd be alright and here.

Your blood gas is not as good as it was last week so no changes will be made on your cpap settings. I pray everyday God would bring another miracle and heal you speedily. This waiting game is not easy on any of us.

You had another eye exam today and your ROP Disease has remained a stage two. The doctor said since you're getting better your eyes will heal and get better. He said sick kids tend to have sick eyes, and he doesn't think you're sick. So that was some good news! Prayer answered!

I love you and miss every moment I'm away from you!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. You weigh over 5lbs!!!! :-)

11 Weeks Old

You are 11 weeks old! It's crazy to think that you should still be inside me growing at 36 weeks... You are doing a great job at cpap breathing! It's a slow process of healing your lungs, so we take one day at a time. With good nutrition you should grow new lung tissue and get better. You are now 17 inches long and 4lbs 14oz (10 percentile). Your chest xray shows no changes, I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor if that's good or bad news?! The good news is you only get lab work done Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Hopefully your little heels can heal and not look so bruised. I know getting constantly poked hurts, I wish I could be the one getting poked for you!

I was able to spend the evening with you today. You love the rocking chair! I was able to rock you for 2 hours and you kept your stats in the 90's for most of that time. You also love your pacifier! When it falls out of your mouth you are not happy about it.

It always turns into sorrow when I have to leave you. I make sure to leave when you're sound asleep so you don't notice. I love you sweet boy, and one day soon I won't have to leave anymore!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. here's a picture of your home, away from home.

Lowered Peep

You are doing good! You handled the lowering of your cpap pressure really well. You have a long way to go before you reach nasal canula though. You are at at a Cpap peep of 9 and you need to go down to a 5. The goal is to lower you by one a week. Hopefully your xray on Monday looks great and we can lower you again.  You are breathing really fast and your chest is retracting a little bit, like you are working a bit hard to breathe, which makes me nervous.

You weigh 4lbs 12oz! You are eating 39mls every 3 hours.

Can you tell mommy's tired? Love you!

Xoxo,
Mom

Today I Choose Joy

Sweet boy,

I have been struggling with finding joy through this trial. God has been teaching me all along the way. Dad told me about a week ago that God can't build upon broken ground, so he needed to completely crumble my foundation and build new. Here we are on the bottom ground, faith. Faith is believing what we can't see. God. I came to that moment a week or so ago establishing if God is truly real. Is God Love? We aren't promised tomorrow on earth, but we are promised an eternity with him if we freely choose to surrender all to Him and walk according to His word.  While it's hard for me to understand why you, why us, why me. I do know God has a bigger plan, and so I declare my life, and your life to be in His hands. I promise to enjoy every minute I spend with you! I knew from the time on hospital bedrest I would no longer take life for granted. I would no longer put relationships second. While I fail often God brings me to that moment at the hospital when my world started crashing with all the horrific news of loosing you, and possibly my life.

Now that I have my faith established, next comes trust.  I trust God. And I want you to trust him too. He is a merciful saviour. He has shown great mercy towards our family in every detail of our lives. I can't wait to share more of those details with you!

We belong to God. There is no life apart from Him. So it's with faith and trust we can say together your will for us and your way for us, Lord.  If that means many more weeks of you in the intensive care unit, I will be full of joy knowing you have life, and that we will be reuntied as a whole family soon.

I pray one day you can grow to be just like your daddy. He finds joy and blessings in every walk. The Sun could choose to never shine, and your Dad would have the faith to believe the sun will eventually come out with a rainbow. He is the glue that holds your mom together. Everyday he claims we have life, be grateful! He is truly the most amazing man, and you are so blessed to have such a fun, inspiring dad. You'll realize that soon enough!

I love you! Today I choose joy!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. I'm taking an infant massage class today! I'll test out my massage skills later on you. :-)

P.s.s. Daddy got to snuggle with you on his lunch break. The picture is a little dark, but your room is dark today.

Mixed Emotions

Today was a day filled with mixed emotions; Happiness, anger and sadness.

HAPPINESS: We are beyond thrilled that your oxygen is down to 43%! You are a doing marvelous, we couldn't be more proud!

ANGER: For over 12 hours you were fed cow based Human Milk Fortifer, which we know upsets your stomach and makes you severely agitated. This was a big mistake by the nutrition tech. Apparently she never read the orders for you to continue on with Human Milk Base Fortifer. This mistake wasn't picked up on until 12 hours later! You were terribly uncomfortable this evening. When you finally managed to poop it was pure black.

SADNESS: for the past few days everytime I hold you, you become very uncomfortable, which then triggers you to destat. My heart aches to just to hold you for more than a few minutes. You have so much going on holding you is the last thing you want me to do. Your stressed, I understand, I'm stressed too pal. I can't wait for the day you feel better and we can snuggle in bed at home. It's still hard to wrap my mind around that it's going to be awhile. People keep asking me how much longer... or they tell me stories about so and so had a 35 weeker that came home. It's hard for mom to hear those people talk or hear their stories. Your story is just that, your story.

God will get us through this. He alone is enough.

Chubby Cheeks

It's been 48 hours since you coughed your breathing tube out. Prayers answered, the steroids worked! Your voice is beginning to come back. Your airway is open, your lungs on xray show great improvement and your blood gas is back to normal! Your oxygen has come down substantially. I called at 4am and you were at 82% and by 3pm you are at 50%! Wow! You have been on cpap for 24 hours with no assisted breaths! You are doing this all by yourself. Yay!

Your care meeting went good besides your doctor broke my heart saying he didn't think you'd be home by your due date in 5 weeks. But I believe in miracles, in fact your life is a miracle. With God willing,  you'll be home by your due date! So you keep going strong and I'll keep praying!

Your doctor is also worried about your eyes. He says lungs can heal but eyes can't. So we are lifting up more prayers that The Lord would guard your eyes from further damage.

Everything about you amazes us! The doctors call you "a puzzle". We call you "our son"! You have strength and determination that encourages us all.

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. I heart your chubby cheeks!!!

Still Chugging

Sweet boy, you are doing a great job breathing! I can hardly function, I'm so worried you are going to get the breathing tube put back in! The doctor called this morning and said you were hanging on, they want to try and help you get over the hump of adjusting to this new job of breathing. You were given 3 doses of steroids to help the inflammation of your vocal chords. We are praying it helps!
I just cried and cried at your bedside today. I just want you to get better and come home. To see you struggle, to see you in pain, makes my heart rip in two. Daddy had to take me for a long walk outside because I was loosing my mind. You have the best Daddy. He went to work at 2am, I called him at 10am to rush to the hospital because the doctors were concerned with your breathing, and he stayed by your bed till 8pm. He loves you so much. We all love you! Your brothers and sister pray for you everynight.

We have big care conference with your doctor tomorrow to discuss a course of action. We are praying for wisdom, strength, and courage.

Xoxo,

Mom

P.s you weigh 4lbs 8oz, nurse Holly snapped this photo of you this morning, wide awake! You are such a cutie, I could kiss your cheeks all day long!

You Extubated Yourself

Sweet boy, you had a, VERY  eventful day. You were coughing while I was holding you and you coughed your breathing tube right out of place! You had about 10 people rush into your room and the doctor bagged you until they made the decision to give you a shot at invasive cpap.  In the process you pooped on your nurse!
You've been doing this thing called "breathing on your own" for 6 hours now!  You are stating better then when you were on full support!  We are so proud of you!

You are bit fussy, okay I lied, a lot fussy! You have a large mask on your face and a hat that keeps falling down over your eyes. Your voice is hoarse from the breathing tube, so you sound very harsh when you cry.

We finally got you settled down, and I'm afraid to leave not knowing if you will be alright tonight. So I'll stay right here until your fast asleep.

I love you to the moon and back, and I'm so happy God is answering our prayers in His own time.

P.s you weigh 4lbs 7oz! Woo hoo!

Xoxo,
Mom

Your Poor Tumny

When I arrived to the hospital you were in a lot of pain. You were silently crying (you can't make any noise because of your ET tube) and squirming from being uncomfortable. The nurse said you had diarrhea all day long. The doctors switched over your fortifier the last few days to a cow-based one, and you weren't handling it well. They switched you due to cost and your age, is what I'm told. I had a good laugh inside when they told me about the cost being too high for the hospital, because I'm pretty sure cost could be the least of our worries with how high the bill already is.We praise the Lord for good insurance, who has covered everything, including the human milk fortifier!

I'm thankful the doctor on was willing to switch you back to the expensive one. Your tummy needs a break from the pain.

I was able to give you a bath! You loved every minute of it. And afterwards you sucked on your pacifier for a few minutes and went right back to sleep. 

Your vent settings were turned down and you handled it well, yah!

I hate leaving your side.  Daddy says when you come home I'm never going to let you go for the next 18 years! Just plan on that.... :-)

Xoxo,
Mom

Happy Fourth of July

Mom, Dad and your big brother Parker spent the day with you today. You were wide awake and looking around, going cross-eyed at times. We loved every minute. Could stare at you all day long!

I went to change your diaper and you peed all over your blanket and outfit!  You gave us all a good laugh when we were ducking for cover.

You have an awesome view of the fireworks from your bed! Don't stay up too late!

Xoxo,

Mom

Pink is a Good Color

The colors you turn let us know exactly how you feel. Red is angry and irritated , pink is happy, while blue means you need some help breathing. We think pink is a good color on you! 

You weigh 4lbs 4oz, which is a bit much for you. You are now on lasix twice a day to help you loose some water you're retaining. Preemie clothes only go up to 5lbs, and you have quite the wardrobe for that size, so slow down champ! We need to get pictures of you in each outfit. :-)

So far your blood work came back negative for bacteria but your ET tube came back positive with few bacteria. We'll continue to wait the next 48hours and see if any specific bacteria grows.

There's not a minute I'm not praying and thinking about you!

Xoxo,
Mom

Pneumonia?

Sweet boy,

You are not having a good day today. Your oxygen needs have gone up, yet again. You are at 80% (down from 88% this morning.) The doctors are concerned you have pneumonia so we are waiting for your cultures to come back. Your x-ray showed lots of fluid on your lungs. Just to be safe they started you on antibiotics to make sure you don't get sicker.

It hurts seeing you needing more help to breathe. We know God will heal you, just waiting patiently for the time to come.

Here's your picture I received this morning from nurse Holly. She didn't want me to worry to much about you. But that's what moms do. They worry themselves sick seeing their babies ill.

We love you sweet boy. Get better fast!

Xoxo,
Mom

P.s. you are over 4lbs! Wow! :-)