Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Ezra Is So Strong!

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday. As I was waiting for my husband to pull up the car, I witnessed moms with their new babies heading home. Probably the hardest moment of this journey thus far, leaving with no baby. While I am happy to be home, resting in my own bed, I feel like part of my heart is missing. I believe we will bring Ezra home one day, and I know that day will be the happiest moment of our lives! 
Ezra is so strong. By God's amazing grace, he is still on cpap. In fact, I was told last night they had to turn down his oxygen level, he's doing so well! He should be receiving a PIC Line today, and then they should be removing his umbilical artery line. I was told I'd soon be able to hold him. I can hardly wait for that moment!
He was started on 1.5ml of breastmilk every 3 hours. He hasn't been tolerating this very well, which is typical for his gestation. 
We continue to plead to God for Ezra to remain on a steady track towards health! We pray for no medical set backs (ventilation, infection, brain bleeds, tummy troubles). 
This cesarean recovery has been rough. I just want to be able to go up to the hospital and be with my son. Please pray with us, for miraculous and fast healing for momma too.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Honeymoon Period...

Little Ezra is still breathing, with assistance from the cpap machine, on his own! They warn us not to get too excited though. The first 72 hours of his life is considered the "honeymoon period" up in the NICU. They expect to know more in the coming hours about how well he continues to handle breathing on his own. We can tell he's getting tired, they've had to increase oxygen ever so slightly through the day and night. His respiration's have increased too. He was very agitated and hard to soothe at first, but yesterday he seemed a lot more peaceful, probably due to being tired! He's had a rough entrance into this cold, brutal world, and continues to need prayers! 
It's emotionally taxing to see him working so hard, and yet so small. I try to remain strong by his bed, but I usually fail and leave his room crying. No one wants to see their baby hooked up to machines, tubes, and poles. He's remained so strong and is fighting with everything he has, while his mom is a mess in the corner. I need strength to root him on!
We have been blessed with wonderful nurses taking care of him. But, we are little frustrated that no doctors have taken the time to meet with us, or even call us! He's approaching 48 hours old, and in critical condition, and we have no idea what the Neonatologists are thinking or have planned. We keep getting reassured someone will call when they do their rounds in the morning. But we have yet to hear any phones ring!
Please pray his "honeymoon period" doesn't end! We believe God is able to give him the strength to continue breathing and fighting. We need prayers for his blood gases to continue to remain good. Prayers for his entire body to remain healthy. 
The journey just began for baby Ezra, he needs all the prayer warriors around to lift him up!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Ezra Daniel 1lb 11oz

The doctor came into my room yesterday to do a quick bedside ultrasound to check baby and to see where the increased bleeding was coming from. As soon as we saw baby, we saw his heart was beating ever so slowly, at 70 beats per minute. After a few LONG minutes, his heartrate began increasing. The decision was made for me to head to labor and delivery to be monitored closely. After being in labor and delivery for a few hours, it happened again. Baby's heart dropped and continued to stay down. Again it increased, ever so slowly. And then it happened again a few minutes later.... I instantly knew this was it. Something was not right! Doctor came in, and explained that based on his decels it looks like placenta is no longer functioning properly. She asked what I'd like to do. God gave me the wisdom to make a haste decision before she could even finish her sentence. I asked to be delivered. I wanted a peaceful delivery while the baby had a good heartbeat. I didn't want a chaotic emergency delivery-that was about to be headed my way. I wanted the baby to have a fighting chance, with good blood gases and oxygen while his heartbeat was considered normal. I wanted my husband to be there and to see him. And lastly, I wanted to be awake to meet my son. Off we went for delivery...
After walking, calmly, into the operating room, I felt a sense of peace. I felt God! He was there. Baby Ezra Daniel came into the world at 3:06pm. He cried! My 25 week baby cried! He got apgars of a 7 and then an 8! He was breathing on his own (with the help of My King and)with the help of the cpap machine. Daddy got to hold him. I got to touch and kiss him. It was calm and peaceful! I couldn't have asked for anything better, given the situation.
So here I type 9 hours after birth (1am), I can't sleep. All think about is my sweet baby. I desperately want him to have life! I'm pleading at the throne of God for his Help (which means Ezra)! Friends, my heart is heavy when I see my 1lb 11oz son cry. Is he in pain? Is he breathing okay? Is he getting enough oxygen? I carry a load that weighs my heart down. Breathing at times seems unbearable. I can't even get the words out to pray.. all I can simply mutter is Help!
Ezra needs prayer! Only God can supply Ezra with good lungs, growth and healing! 
The first 24 hours are the most critical. Plead with us, that he remain only on cpap. No intubation be needed. His lungs would be efficient. His brain and stomach be  protected.
 Please pray for quick healing, so I can be at his bedside. Also for pumping of breastmilk. I want to be able to nourish my son, but I am struggling with this pumping! It's all so new, and unnatural. I need strength and the power of heaven to continue working miracles!
Please Jesus, give my son life!!! Life more abundantly!!!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

In pity and love He lifts up for them a standard against the enemy....

I was able to spend the evening with my two older boys today. We played games, read a few books and just enjoyed the evening together! It was so nice and refreshing, just what I needed. My other children are at home sick (colds, fevers, coughs!). It feels horrible to be stuck up here, knowing my kiddos are at home sick. I just want to be able to snuggle them and give them some mommy love, but that can't happen right now. As my husband was leaving for the night, I could feel he too was burning up. He has held the world together these past 5 weeks and I know he is exhausted and now sick but would never tell a soul. Please pray for the sickness to pass fast and strength for my hubby. He is absolutely THE MOST AMAZING MAN EVER. I am blessed beyond imagination, and I could not continue this journey without him!
I had an ultrasound yesterday. Fluid level is still extremely low. And I have now been diagnosed with a chronic placenta abruption. The good news is baby looks great. In fact I had a doctor tonight tell me that my baby looks like a 35 weeker on the monitors! I have no idea what that means, but I'll take it. Thank-you Lord! 
Sleeping in the hospital is so hard and very frustrating. Just when I get to sleep, I am awaken by a temperature checks or residents doing their rounds at 5am. I JUST WANT SLEEP!!!! 
God is here and He is working! When the room fills with negative medical talk, He is the still voice that reminds me He is in charge! He has the final decision. He is the author of peace.  
A few nights ago my little guy (17 months old) pulled the emergency call light in my bathroom. You should've seen how many nurses flew into this room in a matter of seconds. My nurse was saying "she's a pPROM!!" Apparently they expect chaos to take place at any given moment. That has made me a bit uneasy to think is this how this pregnancy will end? Complete chaos? So my prayers have been more specific as far as peace goes. I really don't want a chaotic emergency event to take place. I'd rather the Lord facilitate a peaceful entrance/delivery for this little guy and myself. So if you could pray for that with me, I'd appreciate it! 
I just have to mention how God has provided even in the smallest of situations here. Late morning is usually when I decide to take a shower. By this time I am a bit anxious and just need a relaxing, warm, shower. The problem is, I just never know if the water will be warm or ice cold! Most the times I start the shower switch it over to hot and only cold water comes out. This is pretty upsetting when all I want to do is just relax in a warm shower. When this happens I turn the water off, head back to my bed and just pray. I tell God how much just a warm shower would mean to me. How it calms me, and how I believe He can make this water warm! He ALWAYS answers! In fact those are the days my showers turn HOT!! 
I love this quote, "Never will our Lord betray one who trusts in Him. As children draw near to him for protection from evil, in pity and love He lifts up for them a standard against the enemy. Touch them not, He says; for they are Mine. I have graven them upon the palms of My hands."  -EGW

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

One Week Down

It's been a week since I was admitted. I thought things possibly would get easier as the days went on, but I was SOOOOO wrong! Today was an especially emotional day. I miss my kids, and my husband so much. Yes, they do come and visit, but then they leave. I am then left alone to a cold, dark, 4 walled room that is robbing me of all my joy. I've never experienced this type of anxiety as I have had in the past few days. Could be from all the testing to rule out weird things, or could just be my miss of home. I am sick of Satan tormenting me!! It's constant, and I feel so weak to even call on strength. When I should be rejoicing for another week my baby has lived and was able to grow, I can't help but cry and feel so isolated and depressed. Please continue to pray for my mind. I just want peace!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Friday Update

Yesterday and today have been relatively uneventful. Praise the Lord! I am taking two different types of antibiotics that are giving me some weird side effects, but I'm praying they are doing more good than harm! The steroid shots, to help develop the baby lungs, has made my head/face feel like it's on fire! I am hoping that goes away soon!
The food here is beyond awful, my showers are extremely cold, there's no such thing as uninterrupted sleep... This is no vacation, in fact most the time I feel like I'm locked in a prison!
I know everyday I remain pregnant is an accomplishment, so I am trying hard to fight back the tears and focus on the positive end goal. 
The baby has been looking terrific on the monitors. No signs of distress, he has great accelerations in heart rate. He seems happy in there! I've had zero contractions, and the bleeding and leaking of amniotic fluid has lightened up today. From this alone, I know God is answering prayers. Thank you! 
I met with a Neonatologist this afternoon to discuss the outlook on viability and such. I am so fortunate to be at hospital that has a level IV NICU. Survival rates of a 24 weeker is 70%. That's astonishing! Survival rates at 26 weeks is close to 90%. I am just blown away by those numbers. The only problem is, I can't rely on those statistics because "my case" is different. We won't know the affects on the baby's lung development due to the lack of fluid until the baby arrives. We also need to think about how much we would like done.... How far do we want the medical staff to go to keep our son alive?.... Do we want chest compressions? Do we  want them to keep him alive long enough for us to see him, if they know his situation is fatal? As you can imagine this was a difficult conversation to have.
4 Weeks ago I would've never imagined I'd be here talking about the possibility of life for my son. Part of me feels like I am the one failing him. Everything about the baby is perfect. I am the one who had the hematoma, that caused the rupture. I am the one who keeps leaking fluid. I can't help but feel that I am the only thing preventing the possibility of life! 
Thank you for your continued prayers.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Hospital Bed Rest Begins

Yesterday I was admitted to the hospital for the remaining duration of my pregnancy. To tell my children that mom won’t be home for many weeks was absolutely heartbreaking. To see their little faces exhibit fear and sadness was the lowest moment of my life. I feel beyond helpless; no child should ever have to go without their momma. EVER! I second guess my decision of being admitted every minute I am away from their precious faces. My OB doctor was concerned about the bleeding I have been experiencing, not only could that result in a bad outcome for the baby, but also for myself. So the decision was made I would be admitted and see how long I can hold onto this little one.
 In a perfect world, the end goal is 34 weeks. That’s 10 weeks from now (the end of June). They won’t allow me to go over 34 weeks with ruptured membranes. But we don’t live in a perfect world, and delivery could be hours, days or weeks away.
Things that would initiate an emergency delivery would be; infection, uncontrolled bleeding, fetal distress, or premature labor.  Besides the bleeding, everything else remains good.
As you can imagine, this has been the most devastating, stressful, and horrendous time of our lives. Trying to figure out childcare for 5 children, my husbands work leave options, etc has been very tough on us emotionally. Stress is not good at this point, so please pray with us that somehow God would work out all fine the details. 
I had an ultrasound today, and my amniotic fluid level keeps decreasing. Amniotic fluid is vital for lung development. Having such a low amniotic fluid level is cause for concern that the baby will be born with very stiff and underdeveloped lungs. This is called Pulmonary Hyoplasia. Even if I miraculously carry to 34 weeks there is no sure way of knowing if the baby will experience this problem until delivery day. Also, I still have a hematoma (blood clot) between the chorion and amnion layers that we need prayers for healing and reabsorption of.
Friends, I just ask for your prayers for my family, my baby and my faith. We have no clue what tomorrow holds. The thought of impending delivery of a 24 week baby, is a tough pill to swallow. I am grateful for everyday I can carry this little one safely, but in all honesty we need a miracle to take place! We are at the mercy of our heavenly father.  I am trusting that if He carried me along for 4 weeks, another 10 is possible.
Specific Prayer Requests:
No Infection
No Preterm Labor
Build up more fluid
Leaking would stop
Bleeding would stop
Hematoma would be healed
Baby would continue growing and remain happy in his current environment
Lungs would develop perfectly
Protection and Love for my children at home
Strength for my husband who has to carry a burden far too heavy
All the small details of childcare, work, travel to the hospital would be worked out according to His plan
My mind would stay sane and faithful! 
As I was leaving to my doctors appointment yesterday, 4 precious older women (whom I do not know) were waiting in my driveway. One shared a verse with me before loading into the car, 
And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us. John 5:14.
I believe that was divine appointment, and reminder of how God is still here and willing to answer. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014


I just want to take a minute and thank everyone for their prayers! God has heard and blessed us with good news at my doctor's appointment yesterday; My amniotic fluid level went up! We were at a 5 and now we are near an 8, despite the continued leaking!

It was very surreal for the doctor to look me in the eyes and say "you shouldn't be in my office right now." He then continued to tell my husband and I that he has never had a patient go on this far (3 weeks) after their water breaks. He told us he can tell us what the text books say, but everything he's learned is not happening in this situation. He then labeled me as "stable!" PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Tuesday I will be 24 weeks, and we will start steroids and decide on continued care (home bed rest or hospital bed rest.) Please pray we make the best decision for the health of the baby and our family. I don't know what the future may hold, but I'm thankful for each day of life!

Sunday, April 6, 2014

It's a Boy!

I've been waiting for the perfect time to update you guys. I was hoping it would be at the two week mark of when my water had broke, but that day came, and I still was feeling down with everything else that was going on. I was then hoping it would be after we got the ultrasound results, but then more bleeding and leaking occurred, so I just couldn't bring myself to write an update. So here I am still pregnant! 17 days have passed since my water broke, and I am SO THANKFUL God has allowed my baby to defy the odds thus far!! Here were the odds presented to me over two weeks ago;
  • 75% chance of going into labor within 48 hours
  • 95% chance of going into labor within 2 weeks
We are now part of the elite 5 club! My next milestone is making it to 24 weeks. We are 9 days away and I am praying with everything I've got left that we reach it. Once we hit 24 weeks the medical teams optimism on survival changes a wee bit. I will be given steroids to help develop the baby’s lungs, and probably a course of antibiotics to steer away infection. Also, the plan would be hospital admission until the completion of the pregnancy. (We are praying that things would calm down, and that I could remain at home for as long as possible) The baby is a BOY! He is growing at a steady rate! At 22 weeks he was over 1lb, which is usually what a 23-24 week baby weighs. His heart looks great, his organs are functioning, and best news of all the cyst on his brain is no longer there! He kicks like crazy in the morning to wake me up, and he shifts into these weird positions onto one side at certain times of the day, looks like I have a lopsided belly. My cervix is thick, closed, and no where near ready for labor! My last amniotic fluid check was a 6. Which is considered low, but we are thankful that there was fluid left!!! Now for the not so positive news, I’ve been leaking amniotic fluid for the past few days. Along with the fluid is A LOT of bleeding. I have an ongoing bleed/hematoma inside my uterus that has decided to bleed its way out again. It’s not fun seeing blood and amniotic fluid on the outside! In fact it’s truly debilitating! I've remained in bed for the past 72 hours (only getting up to go to the bathroom). I’m praying that rest will help heal the problem. We decided to fly in my mother-in-law in from Colorado to help take care of the children during this rough time. I am so thankful she was able to do this for us, what a load of relief! I have a scan this week to check fluid levels and baby again. Please pray with us, that there is  fluid left and baby would continue fighting, growing, and defying the odds. My very kind and compassionate doctor was very honest with me last week when he said, he’s seen waters break this early on before, but never a good outcome resulted. As I sat back and cried and then yelled at God, he reminded me of all the miracles He’s done. Then He asked me “Do I BELIEVE He actually did these things?”
  • Do I believe He created man out of dirt?
  • Do I believe He sent fire down to destroy a whole city?
  • Do I believe He  parted a sea?
  • Do I believe He fed His children from the sky and provided water from a rock?
  • Do I believe He saved a prophets life by having a large fish swallow him?
  • Do I believe He delivered food via a bird to his prophet?
  • Do I believe He sent down fire from heaven to prove He is the one and only God?
  • Do I believe He delivered his servant from being eaten by lions?
  • Do I believe He saved three men from burning flames?
  • Do I believe the Son of God actually took on flesh and became a man?
Are these JUST stories? Or do I have the faith to believe this IS TRUTH?  Is God here? And is He still in the business of performing miracles and defying odds given by man?!
Immediately after talking with God, I was texted and reminded of this verse from a friend, 
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. Mark 9:24
Specific prayer requests: We reach the 24 week mark and beyond! Baby would continue growing at a steady rate! My fluid level to remain at a measurable amount! (So important for lung development) No more bleeding or leaking! No labor pains or contractions! No Infection! Guidance for the tough medical decisions we are soon to face! Faith to BELIEVE! Help for my unbelief!
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10 God is the author of life and He is in full control. Victory will be that much sweeter because of the impossible!